


eunoia

by Flyingdoritos



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reverse Falls (Gravity Falls), Angst, Denial of Feelings, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Gravity Falls Oregon, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt, The Journals (Gravity Falls)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-22 14:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22584343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flyingdoritos/pseuds/Flyingdoritos
Summary: "how could I ever accept that I fell in love with a murderer? It was impossible for me. However, I was there, next to him, tears on my cheek, and a pleasant memory in my head just as if he was there with me, like before"After weirdmaggedon, Dipper has to learn how to live with his trauma and fear, until the day Bill will come back to haunt his mind. Illusion, manipulation, hallucination… it doesn't matter. All he wants is to understand, and even if he doesn't admit it, find the demon he misses so much.
Relationships: Bill Cipher & Dipper Pines, Bill Cipher/Dipper Pines, Bill Cipher/Ford Pines, Dipper Pines & Mabel Pines, Fiddleford H. McGucket/Ford Pines
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

"hey dipper!"  
As every morning, my sister woke me up , happily singing, as always. And she had a good reason to be this joyful : grunckle Stan's memories were finally entirely back, and we were preparing a big party to celebrate it. All the town would come, and everyone would be happy, have fun, they will laught, and probably congratulate us for saving Gravity Falls ... Wendy would again say how she was happy that we decides to live in the tiny city with our unkles, and I will again answer to her with a shy and embarassed smile. But this party will be different from the previous one. It was sure. Why? Because I had in me an empty space I wasn't able to fill, and that drove me eah day further and further in my own loneliness. I just did as everything was fine, showing it to no one, because the reason of this feeling disgusted me. So as always, I jumped from the bed and chased after her to tickle her, as a revenge for the noisy awakening. I was running in the house, laughting loud, and it made my unkles smile. But deep inside of me, I knew that this laught was too loud to be true, that I ran too fast just with the aim to forget thinking about all the things who was driven me crazy. And it worked. For a small amoung of time, I focused my mind on the only action of chasing after Mabel, my unbarable but adorable twin sister. It worked, until the moment she decided to hide in the forest. Until the moment I reached the place incarnating my loneliness and my unsecurity since the end of weirdmagedon. I was facing Bill Cipher. Or rather the place we called his grave. It was the last place we saw him before he entered my grunckle's mind. Instinctively, I froze, already wanting to turn around and go away. But the little something fretting me since his deasaperance pushed me toward the stone grave, toward him... Because even if I hated him from the very end of my heart for what he did..; a part of me, that disgusted me, wanted to be near him. When my thoughs drove me toward this demoniac triangle, I realised that I miss him. I didn't understand why, but sometime the only thing I wanted was to meet him again. And without realising, here I was, sitting by the side of his durty grave, as a kid never really accepting the death of a family member. Exept that Bill wasn't part of my family. He only was... the only boy I'll ever love, even this is a fact I denie most of the time. After all, how could I ever accept that I have fall in love with a murderer? It was impossible for me. However, I was there, next to him, tears on my cheek, and a pleasant memory in my head just as if he was there with me, like before.

Without realisating it, I fell asleep against the statue. I woke up une hour later, with a dizzy mind and a wet face. Wet? I could't help putting my hand on my face, feeling some tears under it. It was perfeclty stupide. With a momentum of rage, I took my notebook and threw it with all my strength at the stone triangle which was glaring at me with his current smirk, frozen for the eternity. I sudently spoke to him for the first time since his disapearance. “can't you go out of my head, of my life, leave me alone?! Even dead you find a way to rot my whole existance! What did I do to deserve your curse? And... why did I fall for you... you're just a stupide flying dorito. Not even a human being...  
for a few seconds, I had the impression to hear a laugh beneath the trees, and I quickly turned around, on guard. But the only thing facing me was the infinity of the woods. There as no trace of a demoniac triangle. A bit relieved, I decided to go back to the shack, everyone was probably worried not to see me coming back. 

Arriving there, I realised I was right : my grunkle Ford was in the kitchen, in the middle of a gret discussion with his twin. They seamed to be talking about the best way to rake to forest effectively to find me. I took a few seconds to creat myself a new smiling mask, and went forward in the room. “no need for all of this, I'm here and everything is fine. I was just sleeping in the forest”. I saw the unconvinced glare of Mabel, and to make her stop this suspicious attitude, I wispered that it was her fault, because I didn't find her, and that she was too good for me at the hide and seek game. No more words, she was now perfectly delighted, and she jumped at me for a hug; “you're too nice bro-bro! But I'm sure next time, you'll find me”.  
With a soft smile, I noded, and came have a sit at the table, ignoring their still suspicious glares. I'd like to ask Ford if he had something new about Bill, to prove that my fellings in the forest were wrong. But it would have been like telling him about the situation, and showing him that I didn't recover from all the horrors of the war. And moreover, It would have been the best way to worry everyone and ruine the party taking place in the afternoon. And it was not an option. So this is in a mortal silence that we began the meal, which finaly ended in a complete mess : the accident was forgot, and mabel was laughting at Stan's stupides jokes, while Ford was tring to fix some stange engine without creating any explosion. Even if I could'nt make the memories of Bill go out of my head, focusing my attention both on my uncle 's doubtful sense of humor and my other uncle more doubtful inventions helped me calm down. I was finaly ready to have a little fun, ignoring the emptiness still present deep down inside of me. 

One hour after this strange meal, Mabel came join me in our room, where I was finishing to prepare myself for the party. I decided to wear nice clothes, and I could say without a doubt that she didn't like it : she looked at me with a suspicious glare, her eyes fixed on the yellow bow tie I took so long to put correctly. However, I thought that this little thing was nice and fitted well with my black shirt above which I chosed to wear a nice yellow waistcoat. The short sleeves let my zodiac wheel tatoo visible. This tatoo was made to hide the scars leaved by Bill, and I was proud of it. Without talking to my sister, I just incline my head to make her understand that I didn't understand her reaction. She just answered me with an acusative glare.  
“Dipper. When I look at you, it is just as if you was possessed by Bill again. You normaly hate the yellow colors!”  
She was right. I have ever hate this color, even more since Bill came in my live. But since a few weeks, I started wearing it, without really paying attention to it.  
“Mabel... that's just a color, don't freak out. And... it fit me well, no?”  
She just nodded, and took my hand to drive me in the room where the guest waited for me. I forced myself to compose the most beautiful smile I could and to be polite with everyone. It was the best way no to draw attention on me. A lot of them came to talk, to joke, Wendy gave me a hug, and the old Mcguckett thanks me for his memories, it was the tenth time he did it.  
Actually, this afternoon was quiet common, without any problem, and not unpleasant.  
For a moment, I even could have think that everything was fine, both around me and in my head, and it was an enjoyable feeling. If it could have keep going this way, it would have been perfect... but I was well awared that this kind of feelings never last. And it was confirmed at the moment I put a feet outside to have fresh air. That's at this precise moment that I heard echoing in my head the voice from my nightmares, the one haunting me, but that I loved so much. I could regognize this voice with certainty : “well well well …. I hope you enjoy the party pinetree!”

Bill. Bill Cipher. His voice. In my head. It was right there, I'm sure, I didn't dreamed it, I heard it and feeled in my whole body. And I as now incapable of forgetting it. To put this event appart. I had to find out the reason why this voice was here, why she came back. Pretty sure that it was a sign of Bill's return to gravity falls, I didn't know what to do. To tell my uncles? To go alonr to my worst nightmare's grave? No matter what I would do, I had to act quickly. Fear and haste drove me to run as fast as possible deep down into the forest. I wanted to check that Bill's corpse was still there, that it was just a dream, that it was just a new hallucination of my mind. The way to this place I feared seems to last an eternity, and once there, I had to take a few minutes to take to breath before finally looking at the demoniac creature still frozen in the stone. The relief was immediate, and the tense released in an instant, probably too quickly. My thoughts become clearer, and I looked once again at the demoniac character with more attention. The first thing I realised was that big fissure running on the stone. It was thin and perfeclty straight, from the hat to the feet. I shivered. Even if it was the only difference, it scared me. I had no idea about the meaning of this thing, or the eventual consequences. But deep down inside of me, I felt responsible for this situation, whithout knowing why. And that's why I decided no to tell the other about all of this, even if Gravity Falls will heavily pay the consequences of this decision.


	2. Chapter 2

One week. Since one week, I felt things would turn wrong. Nothing happenend since the party, and anyone else would have forgotten the event. But not me. Every day I went to Bill's grave, to observe the scratch. And everyday, I saw nothing more than what I discovered the other day. But for security purposes, I decided to learn some simple spells, in case of a new meeting with some creatures from shadows. It was maybe stupide to think that some old incantations could protect me from any danger, but it was reasuring and gave me some hope. However, it wasn't enough for me to have a normal sleep, and soon the nightmares I have had right after weirdmaggedon were back. It al began by a full-moon night during which I slept alone in uncle ford's bedroom while he was working in the cave.   
In the middle of a perfectly normal dream, I suddenly found myself in a white room, with no door or window. I was first curious, but I quickly became a lonely scared little boy when my attention came on a well knowed shadow : Bill Cipher. Or at least, what I though was Bill, because the triangle facing me was blue, and didn't seem to be aggressive at all. He was coming toward me, and offered me a kind of strange smile with his eye. His words resonated in my head, as a warning “my brother will come back. He is looking for you Pinetree”.  
Despite my strong will to know more and to uderstand what was happening I couldn't learn more, because my body decided I had to wake with a start before really realizing th situation. While opening my eyes, I noticed that I was in Mabel's arms, curled like a scared child. As I tried to calm down my shiver, she cradled me slowly, without a word, waiting for me to come back into the reality. It finally happenned in the mornong, when I felt the first sunray quietly warming my skin through the window. Still withour a word, Mabel helped me to get on my feet, and held me up to the bathroom with kindness. Enven if I was exausted, I decided to make an effort. I had to reseach, to understand, to seek information... in fact, no matter what it was, I just had to do something, to keep my mind tied up in order not to panick, not to go back to the grave, and not to think about Bill.

After a short time in the shower to evacuate this night's fright, I went downstairs to tell Ford about my project to go at Mcguckett's manor today, pretending that I needed some help on a school project. By looking at his sceptic expression, I understood that he didn't believe me, but he didn't say anything or desagree with my idea. Actually, he didn't say anything most of the time when I went out. He tried to give me the greatest liberty as possible, because he though it could help me to move on. But id didn't really matter, the most important was that I was finally outside, running thoughout the town to visit my uncle's old friend. Near the manor he lived in since the Weirdmaggedon, I felt safer and decided to aproach in order to knock on the door. A few secondes later, he had let me in, put me on a sofa, and he offered me a cup of hot chocolate. I didn't even have the time to refuse or even explain the reasons why I was there. I had tones of questions and research to do, but I took the time to accept the old man 's welcoming behavior. He had changed a lot since this summer's , in the good way. It was very greatful to spend time in his company.   
Yet, after some biscuits and a dozen of stories about his youth, he rosed from the sofa, looking at me, and slowly whispered like he was about to tell me a secret “you're here to visit the old library, aren't you?”. Seeing my positive answer, he took me in without trying to ask any other question about the thing I want to find in these old books unopened for decades. This behavior was the final way to reassure me. I would be able to search alone and in peace, without questions from anyone, or not even an observation about the fact that I'm crazy or something. This morning, it was just me and the books, trapped in a reasuring calm, making the place perfect for studying. It made me nostalgic of the moments spent in uncle ford's lab. I shook my head the come back to the present moment, and began searching methodically books which could tell me something about Bill, any demon, or even something about how to kill it definitly... Anything would be great to make me feel better and convince me that everything was fine, that the past wouldn't come back just when I started to be fine. Despise my determination and my strong will to find an answer, the surnatual creature section didn't help me at all. Around 11', I decided to start with the exploration of the section about parallels dimensions, with the hope to see a triangular demon figur in one of thoses old books. 

After three more hours searching, that's nearly by chance that my look was drowned into a book, on a small sentence written in light blue ink, right across a part about the multiverse theory. It said : reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologramm. The famous favorite quote of Bill. Weird. Very weird. Curious, I decided to read the few lines, to learn that the universe is, apparently, a mise en scène made by a suprem god, the axolotl. This creatur had the right to bring back to life his creations, or to destroy them accordint to his good will. A shiver ran through me, when I thought that this thing could decide to make a demon this dangerous back to life, and even worst, with a new form. If Bill was really back, he could have been even more dangerous! While looking out of the book, and closing it, I could have sweat that Ive seen a triangular shadow on the wall in front of me. I rose up, all my body tense. I couldn't believe I was just a creation of my imagination, so I pepared myself to create a protection spell if needed. But I didn't even have the time, because the blue triangle from my dream appeared just before my eyes, and we both had the same reaction when we stared at each other : to go back and scream. We were both surprised and scared by the one facing us. Once the fright calmed down, he landed on the floor while looking at his feet, with some tears at the corner of his eye. Curious about this little creature that looked so much like Bill, I took my anti-demonic charm and came closer with a proud and brave expression on my face, not sure at all of what it was all about. But just my mean look was enough to make him cry for good, and appologize dozens of time for scaring me. Even if he didn't look dangerous at all, I stayed on my guard, wainting for a switch as soon as I would fall for his trap. But his behavior did not change, and he continued his lament “I... I... I am so sorry Mason! I did not... I did not want to scare you, I shouldn't have appeared without a warning... I am so really really sorry, I beg for you forgiveness... sorry!”  
Without a clue on what to answer, I just sighed and kneeled before him, to help him calm down, and lighten the pressure “it's fine... everything's okay. Really okay. Try to calm down please”. In the second, he calmed down, and we could have thing that everything was fine. But his small hands were still shaking, and sobbing, proving me that he wasn't fine at all. He seemed really scared of his surrounding. I'd like to help and confort him, but my survival instinct forbidded it, due to the physical similarity with Bill, and until I would not know why he was there, with me, in the library. And above all, why I dreamed of him. Without any asking from me, he began to explain that he was a part of Bill, his part of sweetness and weakness. When he looked back at my wary expression, the little being hurried to add that they were now two differents demons on their own right, more like brothers. I started to understand a bit, when he said “I... I ran from my master...Stanford Gleeful to... to warn you, Mason. Bill will come back. I feel his power echoing mine. But I don't want him back... I know he is dangerous...”

The blue triangle's speech stayed stuck in my mind for a while, and I was incapable of any reaction. Bill. He will come back. He is already coming back. I was suspicious about it before arriving to the mansion, but now that I had the confirmation, things were differents. My bravery when I though about his return was now gone, and I didn't have a clue of what to do once I'll be back outside. I was frozen and unable to think properly. It was the little childlish voice next to me that brough me back to reality, with a whisper “I have to go back with the Gleeful.... I'm sorry not to help you more, Mason...” and without waiting for an answer, he disapeared, as though pulled back by invisibles chains. A bit disappointed not to have more answers, I just stored back the books in silence, slowly, my mind focused on the main info of today : Bill. All the evening, until the night, was like a trip in the fog, in wich I moved without accepting any contact or discussion, trapped in my own world of thoughts, living like an machine : eat. Shower. Lay down. Sleep. Nothing more, nothing less; ignoring the questions from Mabel and my unckles since my return. All the steps of this routine happened without any problem, but the worst was to come. Sleep. The one that was gonna drown me in the land of the dreams, my ennemy's favorite playground.

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! I want to apologize if there is some mistakes or unclear sentences… That may be because I'm not a native English speaker, I'm still learning.  
> Feel free to comment, and to tell me if something is good, or wrong…  
> I hope you'll enjoy reading what comes out of my mind!


End file.
